change

The campaign to find myself 

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As I was recovering from a heartbreak, I confided in my friend Denise how overwhelming it was to think of life as indefinite. You have no idea when it will all end, how many more heartbreaks lie ahead, or if your dreams will ever even come true.

I’m not saying I wish for a terminal illness, but there’s a certain clarity that comes with a definite time frame, like “you have three months to live.” You know exactly how long you need to hold on and can focus on making the most of that time. Perhaps it was because of my background as a consultant. My professional life is structured around campaigns with specific objectives and KPIs to meet in three months, six months, or a year.

Denise said, “So, why not create a campaign for yourself? Give yourself three months to recover and move on.” So, I did.

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Why is it so hard to change my bad habits?

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When it comes to self care, I’ve always struggled with consistency. I’d go through cycles of getting inspired, overdoing it, falling off the wagon, and taking forever to get back on track. 

Recently, I came across this insight: The question is not what to do. You know what to do. The question is, why are you not doing it despite wanting to? Most of the time, I would attribute it to character flaws. You’re lazy. You’re weak. You’re just not that type of person. I would point it out over and over, holding onto a false hope that self-shaming would coerce me into better habits.

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How I restarted my New Year’s Resolutions in March

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Window, white.jpg

I penned my 2017 Resolutions during an 11-hour transit in Hong Kong back in January. I didn’t have any notebook with me, so I had to write them down on a scrap paper.

Sitting by a glass wall that overlooks the tarmac, illuminated by the setting sun, it was one of those light bulb moments when words just flow. I was hopeful. Not unlike the sun that set shortly after, however, my resolutions that it fueled soon died out.

Here’s how it happened and how I restarted my resolutions back to life in three essential steps.

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A year in my quarter-life crisis

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Woman, back, tunnel

Like I said, 2016 was the most confusing period of my life so far.

I got tattoos — three of them. I developed an unlikely obsession with a Korean boy group, Bangtan Sonyeondan (BTS). I questioned my faith. I started thinking that maybe… I didn’t want kids. I suffered from anxiety, especially at work. I was lonely, but wouldn’t reach out to anyone. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I felt like on the brink of depression.

I didn’t know they were signs of what most likely was a quarter-life crisis. This was how the year went by:

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