break up

The campaign to find myself 

/ intothemarsh / Leave a comment

As I was recovering from a heartbreak, I confided in my friend Denise how overwhelming it was to think of life as indefinite. You have no idea when it will all end, how many more heartbreaks lie ahead, or if your dreams will ever even come true.

I’m not saying I wish for a terminal illness, but there’s a certain clarity that comes with a definite time frame, like “you have three months to live.” You know exactly how long you need to hold on and can focus on making the most of that time. Perhaps it was because of my background as a consultant. My professional life is structured around campaigns with specific objectives and KPIs to meet in three months, six months, or a year.

Denise said, “So, why not create a campaign for yourself? Give yourself three months to recover and move on.” So, I did.

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The heaviest was regret (but I let it go)

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A few weeks ago, I had to say goodbye to someone dear to me. This was not a novel concept but still, each time, having to let go when you didn’t want to could turn your mind into a warzone. 

Taking accountability to the extreme, I was wildly grasping for faults and reasons, because if I could find them, I could fix them. I was quick to accept every point that he raised, claiming all the blame and inflating them a hundredfold. 

The weight of regret was crushing, and this post was originally meant to condemn myself. But in the process of writing, somehow I turned into my own lawyer. 

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I chose myself and it broke me

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After my breakup with The Spaniard in 2022, I took half a year off dating. Learning to be content with myself, I turned inward. I settled into my new job, cultivated friendships, and leaned into the joy of lindy hop and the community that made it so special. I was building and savoring a life that made me feel so, very rich. Rather than conforming to someone else’s ideal, I resolved to only settle down with a partner who enhanced the life I’d painstakingly crafted – a life brimming with joy, love, and self-assurance. 

Just when I least expected it, serendipity intervened. Over breakfast with my friend Sophiya, I confessed that I was enjoying my freedom too much and not actively looking for love, only to find myself swept off my feet that very night.

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I turned 30 and it’s been a journey  

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I turned 30 and thought I was happy. To be fair, in many aspects, I was, really. But I’d also been suppressing doubts and questions about where life got me and where I wanted to be. 

I turned 30 and almost moved to Mexico City. A place I knew nothing of except for what I’d learnt from TV, and for what I’d been told: that I’d “love it”, in theory. And love, was the only reason I was planning to uproot my whole life in Jakarta, blindly (and quietly). Then came a twist: The man for whom I would move halfway across the world broke up with me. 

I turned 30 and quit a job I’d thought I’d stay on for all eternity. Blew up my savings and travelled to San Francisco, Orlando, and Hawaii to feel less guilty. And after all that, I packed my bags and moved to Singapore for the promise of new possibilities, in life and love, with nary a penny.

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5 stages of grief in movies, songs, and a TedTalk

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Mask, broken, doll, face.jpg

My last relationship died a slow death. Its end was a mixture of intense pain and blissful oblivion. Teetering between the two polar opposites for nearly a year, it could be hard to tell if I had moved on or was temporarily numb.

As I was going through this, I turned to the concept of 5 Stages of Grief to help me make sense of where I was. Still, I couldn’t do it then. My reading of my location was still unreliable.

I could only do it in hindsight, and with the help of at least a couple of movies, a couple of songs, and a TedTalk. It was not easy. Neither was the process linear. But understanding now what I went through then, and being able to name them out loud, helped me see.

I have truly moved on. I hope these will help you too.

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