After I wrapped up The Campaign to Find Myself, I found my way back into the dating world.
I met a few people through Hinge. Two stood out. But the one who left the strongest impression? A real-life crush I wasn’t even looking for. Here’s how it all unfolded.
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Recently, I’ve been having more heart-to-heart talks with my closest friends, which led to some important insights into myself and my relationships.
One shared something that took me by surprise. She said she’s always seen me as an independent, successful woman who knows how to fend for herself. Yet, when it comes to romantic relationships, she observed that I tend to put my partner first and myself second. “It’s good that you seek to understand your partner and know how to compromise, but it can be problematic when you keep giving without knowing what you deserve to receive,” she said.
Another friend asked, “Why does it take you so long to realize or admit that something upsets you? And why did you wait until you broke up to tell me all these things?”
These were two separate conversations, but they both agreed on one thing: Had they been in my shoes, they would have immediately blown up at some of the things my exes pulled.
It left me thinking. I’ve always had a complicated relationship with anger. I couldn’t let myself feel it. Anger, to me, has always felt like a weakness, a loss of control. And, until now, I’d never been quite sure why.
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A few weeks ago, I had to say goodbye to someone dear to me. This was not a novel concept but still, each time, having to let go when you didn’t want to could turn your mind into a warzone.
Taking accountability to the extreme, I was wildly grasping for faults and reasons, because if I could find them, I could fix them. I was quick to accept every point that he raised, claiming all the blame and inflating them a hundredfold.
The weight of regret was crushing, and this post was originally meant to condemn myself. But in the process of writing, somehow I turned into my own lawyer.
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After my breakup with The Spaniard in 2022, I took half a year off dating. Learning to be content with myself, I turned inward. I settled into my new job, cultivated friendships, and leaned into the joy of lindy hop and the community that made it so special. I was building and savoring a life that made me feel so, very rich. Rather than conforming to someone else’s ideal, I resolved to only settle down with a partner who enhanced the life I’d painstakingly crafted – a life brimming with joy, love, and self-assurance.
Just when I least expected it, serendipity intervened. Over breakfast with my friend Sophiya, I confessed that I was enjoying my freedom too much and not actively looking for love, only to find myself swept off my feet that very night.
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To someone prone to overthinking and anxiety as myself, consensual non-monogamy including open relationship seems like a recipe for disaster. I am also, however, someone who is curious, likes to challenge myself, and highly values genuine connections.
Why do people do it? Is it for me? Will I ever be able to overcome my own insecurity and jealousy to pull this off?
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After dating around for a while following my big breakup, in 2020 I began a relationship with someone (let’s call him The Spaniard) who helped me learn further about how to be in a healthy relationship.
In the early stage of our relationship, amidst a raging pandemic, he had to move to another country for work. As he flew to this new chapter of his life, so began an intense week of anxiety on my end.
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Coming out of a nine-year relationship which started right out of high school, today’s modern dating scene is practically a jungle to me.
The last time I had to navigate dating was when I was a wide-eyed student in a relatively homogenous Catholic school. Back then, dating was as straightforward as it could get: you liked someone, interest reciprocated, then he (it was usually the guy) asked you to be his girlfriend. From then on, the mindset was that you both would end up married. This remains true for some of my old friends coming from the same background.
The dating scene I have to navigate now defies everything I knew then.
My last relationship died a slow death. Its end was a mixture of intense pain and blissful oblivion. Teetering between the two polar opposites for nearly a year, it could be hard to tell if I had moved on or was temporarily numb.
As I was going through this, I turned to the concept of 5 Stages of Grief to help me make sense of where I was. Still, I couldn’t do it then. My reading of my location was still unreliable.
I could only do it in hindsight, and with the help of at least a couple of movies, a couple of songs, and a TedTalk. It was not easy. Neither was the process linear. But understanding now what I went through then, and being able to name them out loud, helped me see.
I have truly moved on. I hope these will help you too.
A long time ago, I came across a saying by Nelson Mandela, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
I remember thinking, when I first discovered it, that it was a brilliant piece of advice on making tough life decisions. I never thought it would be so hard to apply. But there I was, faced with the decision to end or stay in a long-term relationship.
IntotheMarsh 