Author: intothemarsh

Battle against my body

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Everybody has always had a say on my body. When I was younger, my mom would harp on about how I was too thin and claimed that I must have been secretly dieting – when I wasn’t. But uncles and aunties – and even my boyfriend at the time – were quick to jump on the bandwagon and repeated that I was too thin. So, just eat. Eat more. More. 

But not too much, my mom would add. Because nobody likes the other side of that coin either. 

Alas, I guess I was out of luck because, as I grew older, the number on the scale grew with me. 

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I turned 30 and it’s been a journey  

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I turned 30 and thought I was happy. To be fair, in many aspects, I was, really. But I’d also been suppressing doubts and questions about where life got me and where I wanted to be. 

I turned 30 and almost moved to Mexico City. A place I knew nothing of except for what I’d learnt from TV, and for what I’d been told: that I’d “love it”, in theory. And love, was the only reason I was planning to uproot my whole life in Jakarta, blindly (and quietly). Then came a twist: The man for whom I would move halfway across the world broke up with me. 

I turned 30 and quit a job I’d thought I’d stay on for all eternity. Blew up my savings and travelled to San Francisco, Orlando, and Hawaii to feel less guilty. And after all that, I packed my bags and moved to Singapore for the promise of new possibilities, in life and love, with nary a penny.

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How I manage my emotional triggers

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After dating around for a while following my big breakup, in 2020 I began a relationship with someone (let’s call him The Spaniard) who helped me learn further about how to be in a healthy relationship.

In the early stage of our relationship, amidst a raging pandemic, he had to move to another country for work. As he flew to this new chapter of his life, so began an intense week of anxiety on my end.  

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Life update

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Photograph by Tim Gouw

Recently, I received a couple of messages, from acquaintances and friends alike, commending me for how “alive” and “passionate” I always look on my Instagram Stories. Which is ironic, because for the past year or so, I have not felt that way. I tried my hardest to restart the spark, and there were glimpses of real passion, but mostly, my mind was foggy.

I have been avoiding dealing with a lot of difficult thoughts and emotions. I would not even meditate or write — which had always helped — because, I guess, subconsciously I was afraid of what they would reveal to me.

But I’ve had some free time lately, and after a lot of running away, I started to go back to writing. I am writing about all the life-changing things that have happened since 2020. And, boy, there were a lot. So, who knows how long it will take me to finish writing everything? (If I would even finish…)

In any case, let me start with one story tonight.

Dating, to someone who was last single a decade ago

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Romance, books, vintage filter.jpg

Coming out of a nine-year relationship which started right out of high school, today’s modern dating scene is practically a jungle to me.

The last time I had to navigate dating was when I was a wide-eyed student in a relatively homogenous Catholic school. Back then, dating was as straightforward as it could get: you liked someone, interest reciprocated, then he (it was usually the guy) asked you to be his girlfriend. From then on, the mindset was that you both would end up married. This remains true for some of my old friends coming from the same background.

The dating scene I have to navigate now defies everything I knew then.

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5 stages of grief in movies, songs, and a TedTalk

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Mask, broken, doll, face.jpg

My last relationship died a slow death. Its end was a mixture of intense pain and blissful oblivion. Teetering between the two polar opposites for nearly a year, it could be hard to tell if I had moved on or was temporarily numb.

As I was going through this, I turned to the concept of 5 Stages of Grief to help me make sense of where I was. Still, I couldn’t do it then. My reading of my location was still unreliable.

I could only do it in hindsight, and with the help of at least a couple of movies, a couple of songs, and a TedTalk. It was not easy. Neither was the process linear. But understanding now what I went through then, and being able to name them out loud, helped me see.

I have truly moved on. I hope these will help you too.

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