Coming out of a nine-year relationship which started right out of high school, today’s modern dating scene is practically a jungle to me.

The last time I had to navigate dating was when I was a wide-eyed student in a relatively homogenous Catholic school. Back then, dating was as straightforward as it could get: you liked someone, interest reciprocated, then he (it was usually the guy) asked you to be his girlfriend. From then on, the mindset was that you both would end up married. This remains true for some of my old friends coming from the same background.

The dating scene I have to navigate now defies everything I knew then.

The playing field

For starters, the playing field is much bigger. With some dating apps like OkCupid, the playing field can even be the entire world.

This can be empowering and overwhelming at the same time.

On the upside, it constantly renews my hope that I will eventually find what I’m looking for. I mean, I have to be very unlucky to not find someone I can connect with in a world of almost eight billion people, right? In fact, I did find a number of those, regardless of where these ended.

On the downside, it can take some time of incessant swiping before you find one that may lead somewhere. When this happens, I can’t help but feel exhausted. In my mind, it looks like I am swimming in an open ocean with no land in sight. I’m not the best swimmer in real life, so this mental image reflects just how helpless it can feel at times.

In navigating this, I have learned to be in tune with my inner self and what I need at any given moment. Yes, dating is a numbers game, but it doesn’t mean you can’t take a rest. Try not to feel like you will miss the train; there’s no schedule.

The game

If the modern dating scene is the sea, there are plenty of fish indeed. And every fish comes with their own sets of baggage and expectations.

To some extent, these can be pretty clear with the help of dating apps such as Bumble and OkCupid. These apps allow users to provide information about what they are looking for and see that of other users.

I have to be acquainted with different “set-ups”. From how serious one expects the relationship to be (“something casual” vs. “marriage”), to its expected length (“short-term” vs. “long-term” dating), to its exclusivity (“open” vs. “monogamous”).

Even when someone has put their preference on their dating profile, I’ve found that in real life it doesn’t automatically translate as is. For instance, despite having written that they’re looking for “monogamous” and “long-term” relationship, when in the dating stage they may still treat what you both have as “non-exclusive” until declared otherwise.

In other cases, you may have been seeing each other for a few weeks. It doesn’t feel like “something casual”, but at the same time, nobody has made it “formal”. A friend told me that, after going out with her “boyfriend” for almost a year, none asked the other to be their “official” partner. They just knew they were serious and in it for the long haul.

Sounds confusing? It is.

This has not even taken into account all the dating “rules” out there. The classics include not always replying right away and not having sex on your first date, as popularized by Charlotte from Sex and the City.

To me, there is only one rule to the game that matters and takes away all the confusion: Communicate.

It is best to know what you want in the first place, but even if you don’t, communicate that too. Ask questions (here’s a short video I love on what to ask and how). Clarify and establish each other’s expectations, as early on as possible.

The main player

At the center of all these, as you can see, is me. (Or, in your case, you.)

Not only was it the playing field, or the game, that had changed tremendously. Between now and then, I have changed as a person. What I wanted as a freshman might no longer apply to my 28-year old career-woman self.  

As with many aspects in life, I’ve learnt that the key to navigating this modern dating scene is self-awareness.

I have to look inside and reflect a lot. What do I want, now and in the future? What are my standards and boundaries – which are negotiable, and which are not? What do I need to do right now?

Once I do, filtering out the unnecessary, standing up for myself, and choosing what’s right for me become second nature.

Dating has become an interesting part of the journey to keep getting to know myself better, and you know what?

The ride isn’t too bad.

Credits:

Photographs by Josh Felise, Matthew Henry, and Brodie Vissers