A long time ago, I came across a saying by Nelson Mandela, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”

I remember thinking, when I first discovered it, that it was a brilliant piece of advice on making tough life decisions. I never thought it would be so hard to apply. But there I was, faced with the decision to end or stay in a long-term relationship.

Just a couple of days before the New Year, my then-boyfriend for almost 10 years (let’s call him Piano Man) and I sat side by side. He told me that he recently dreamt of me. In his dream, I was 40 years old and sadness was etched deep in my face. Then, back in the real life, he asked me, “Are you happy?”

I did not answer immediately. I thought of a script I had written in my phone, and of the past few days I had spent building up my courage to tell him what was written there.

My mind raced back to the earlier months of 2019, when he told me he was unsure of us. When I agreed to take a break. When we tried to patch things up. When he then said he was ending it for real, and not long after he asked that we try again.

My mind raced even further back to all the telltale signs of where we were headed by the second half of our relationship. Signs that we had tried to heed, and signs that we had tried to ignore.

Throughout this time, I tried so hard to stay and make it work because I had hoped he was the one. I had planned my life around him being the one.

I did not want to be the one to pull the trigger. I had begged him, time and time again through the uncertainty, to just come to a decision – even if it was to leave me – because I did not think I would have the strength to do the leaving.

All I knew how to do was to work, and keep working, on our relationship.

But I could no longer ignore the signs.

You see, I am someone who loves loudly and hopes deeply. I love to tell and show people I love that I love them. I want emotional connection. I want physical touches. I want open communications. Those are my love languages.

So, when these are stifled, when I tolerate having to say ‘I love you’ and wait in fear if I will hear it back, when I have to hold back from expressing and hoping so I can protect myself from hurting… I am ultimately betraying my authentic self.

The more I came across these situations, the more I realized that my reason for staying had shifted: from hope, to fear.

Fear that this might be the best I could get. Fear that there was nothing better for me out there. Fear that I would end up alone and have to explain to everyone how I had messed up.

So, I told him, no, I had not been as happy as I could be.

I told him I was leaving, and I was doing it out of hope that I will find the love that I need, want, and deserve out there.

That he will, too. And that we will both make the most out of life this way.

What about you? Have you had to make a tough choice recently? Did you come to your decision out of hope, or fear?

Credits:

Photographs by Stocksnap and Paloma Aviles